So you want to be my BOYFRIEND

I would like to have a boyfriend. Look at me. I am normal. I am height / weight proportionate. I do not have any social or psychological disorders. I am moderately attractive. I am funny, intelligent, and lots of normal things that normal people look for when they are looking for people to date.

What is distressing is that no one is dating me. I do not know why. So the advent of the internet and the success of such online commerce sites as Amazon.com and Ebay, combined with the American culture's sick fascination with reality television and voyeurism, has led me to believe that people (specifically homosexual males) are looking for newer, more hi-tech ways of getting into my pants.

What do I have to do?

Fill out the APPLICATION (below). Then sit around and wait. And don't try to contact me.

What do I get?

What is included in this wonderful package? Me, of course. Aside from being all of the normal things listed above, I also have lots of unique and tantalizing qualities.

What is the catch?

There is no catch. You fill out the form and maybe I'll e-mail you. I probably won't, because let's face it: this whole thing is kind of creepy. I don't plan on sending out rejection letters, either, so that leaves you with a delightful ambiguity. Has he read my application? Does he hate me? Is this going to make things weird if I run into him at the supermarket? Did he just read it and not respond yet?

I guess there is a catch, then. That aforementioned psychological torture and uncertainty. But seriously — you're applying for a boyfriend on the internet. Do you really expect it to work out?

THE APPLICATION

  1. Personal Information

    1. For starters, I will need your e-mail address so I can contact you about your application:

    2. Are you hollywood actor Matt Damon or operatic baritone Nathan Gunn?

      Yes

      No

      If you answered yes, please skip to Part IV, question 5.

    3. What is your name?

    4. How old are you, in human years?

    5. How tall are you, in centimeters? cm

    6. How much do you weigh (in pounds), if you don't mind me asking? lbs.

    7. What color is your hair?

    8. What color are your eyes?

    9. Please give me a rough idea of your racial/ethnic background:

    10. I am:

  2. Personal Compatibility Check

    1. Are you, or have you ever been, a francophone?

      Yes

      No

    2. Do you know what the word "francophone" means?

      Yes

      No

    3. More about francophonics:

      I answered "yes" above, but had to look "francophone" up in a dictionary.

      I already knew what "francophone" meant.

      I didn't know what "francophone" meant right away but was able to infer based on my knowledge of Latin or another romance language.

      I think President Bush should nuke those dirty French bastards.

    4. When it comes to punctuation spelling and grammar:

      I try my best to use proper English when I speak and write.

      I don't care about any of those things.

      I think you are a moron for leaving out all of the commas in this question.

    5. If you had to choose one inanimate object to describe you, what would you choose?

    6. Please complete the following sentence: "If I have one fault, it is...

      that I love too much."

      that I overbearingly seek control in relationships."

      that I am emotionally imbalanced."

      syphilis."

      my sheer perfection and personal compatibility."

      insecurity about my person, status, or future."

    7. When you are at a restaurant, what do you decide to eat?

      I get something I've never had before.

      I always get the same thing.

      I look for the most unhealthy item on the menu.

      Anything as long as it includes ice cream.

      I get whatever my friend/date is having, unless it's veal.

      Veal.

    8. You are (select all that apply):

      a vegetarian.

      a vegan.

      a fruitarian.

      diagnosed with (a) psychological disorder(s), excluding depression.

      a female.

      able to see the future and speak to the recently dead.

      from the future.

      recently dead.

      a smoker of cigarettes.

      a smoker of other combustible things.

      a registered sex offender.

      an unregistered sex offender.

      a religious fundamentalist bent on the destruction and/or "healing" of homosexuals.

      a drug addict.

      a certified lifeguard.

      a college graduate.

      currently attending college.

      never planning to attend a college/university.

      a beauty school or high school drop-out.

      a certified beautician or registered nurse.

  3. Short Answer / Essay

    1. Of the following three men, who would you most like to boink and why?

      Jean-Paul Sartre

      Jude Law

      James Knox Polk

    2. Choose three words to describe yourself and in a few sentences explain why you chose each one.

    3. In 300 words or less, please explain why I should consider you for the position of my boyfriend. You may be creative if you wish.

  4. Last Minute Questions

    1. Do you have any dating experience?

      none

      a little

      a fair amount

      a whole lot

      I get paid to have sex with men

    2. Are you rich?

      yes

      no

    3. If you answered "yes" above, would you be willing, if accepted, to buy me food and other nice things?

      yes, of course

      no, don't be silly

      this question does not apply to me

    4. Just to be sure: you are a homosexual male, right?

      yes, of course

      no, don't be silly

      this question does not apply to me

    5. If I asked you to, would you sleep with me on the first date?

      Hell yes.

      Hell no.

      Yes, if I really felt we connected.

      Yes, but only if you were comfortable with it.

      No. And you're ugly.

      Do we really have to go on the date first?

      Let's just snuggle.

All ready? Check your answers to make sure they're okay, and then click the submit button. If you'd like to start over, click the clear button.

If you experience technical difficulties or have a question regarding your application, please contact the director of Boyfriend Resources by clicking here.